LEADERSHIP

Team Nine Pockets.

Every company this size has a leadership page, so here is ours. Nine executives, and they all fit on one binder page, which is, if we're honest, the only reason there are nine. One trainer, who does not.

TRAINER001/001 Carson Pickens HEAD POKÉMON TRAINER Nine executives report to the trainer. The trainer reports to the six-year-old.

CHIEF EXEC Slowpoke079/151

CHIEF TECH Alakazam065/151

CHIEF FIN Meowth052/151

CHIEF OPS Snorlax143/151

PRODUCT Eevee133/151

DESIGN Umbreon197/251

SECURITY Klefki707/721

SUPPORT Psyduck054/151

QUALITY Ditto132/151

9 / 9 pockets

079 Slowpoke CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER Sets the pace. The pace is Slowpoke. Every decision does eventually arrive. The difficult part is knowing which quarter.

065 Alakazam CHIEF TECHNOLOGY OFFICER IQ of 5,000. Can name a card from a blurry photograph in under a second, and has no idea which binder it came out of.

052 Meowth CHIEF FINANCIAL OFFICER Uses Pay Day. Is also, according to the paperwork, the pay day. Audits have been described as “circular”.

143 Snorlax CHIEF OPERATING OFFICER Nothing ships until Snorlax moves, and Snorlax is asleep across the road. Bring the flute to stand-up.

133 Eevee HEAD OF PRODUCT Owns the roadmap. Owns eight of them, keeps them in separate folders, and will not say which one we are on.

197 Umbreon HEAD OF DESIGN Works entirely in the dark. Has still not approved dark mode.

707 Klefki HEAD OF SECURITY Holds every key on one ring and will not tell you which one is yours. Passed the security review immediately, by rattling.

054 Psyduck HEAD OF SUPPORT Responds to every incident by holding its head and staring into the middle distance. Resolution rate: unreasonably high.

132 Ditto HEAD OF QUALITY Turns into whatever you just built, then finds the one difference. Runs the regression suite fifty-four times and reads every exit code.

There is no Head of Marketing

The page holds nine, the page is full, and Nine Pockets is free to anyone who wants it anyway, so the role has genuinely never come up. Growth is handled by the six-year-old telling her entire class about it.

None of that was true.

Team Nine Pockets is a joke. The actual team is Carson, who writes it in the evenings, and a six-year-old who tests it, has strong opinions about Eeveelutions, and is the reason prices can be turned into dots. The trainer is real. The job title is not. There is no leadership team, there is no quarter, and nobody here has ever used Pay Day.

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